i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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