so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I party with great urgency now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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