Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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