We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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