Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
