we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
