when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
