You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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