I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
