There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
