38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
