We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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