why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
