My friends, they love my intelligence
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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