i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
