I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
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