Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
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I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.