you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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