She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?