____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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