Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep