i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
