If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
