This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
