My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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