New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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