Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
