Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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