so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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