Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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