....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
