i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
