I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
