There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.