There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
