My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
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they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?