she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
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All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
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I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now