Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
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Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize