Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
