well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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