I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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