I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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