last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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