Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She's just so happy...and so naked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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