You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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