I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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