I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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