I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
