By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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