It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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