Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
