Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
