Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
