so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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