When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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