i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
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Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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