Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
