I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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