I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
